Rest is an act of rebellion
And why I don't like running. Plus Savasana Challenge Day 3.
For those of you interested in Day 3 of the Savasana Challenge, it’s all the way at the bottom of today’s post. Upgrade your subscription today to start resting with us in the challenge! It’s never too late to start 😊
It was the beginning of summer, 2002. I sat in the high school cafeteria listening to the varsity girls soccer coach explain the summer training schedule to the excited— albeit nervous—group of eighth grade girls gathered. When the coach casually mentioned the 2.5 mile/day run requirement I made my mind up on the spot. I would not be trying out for high school soccer.
I do not like running.
I did not play a varsity sport my freshman year in high school. I did, however, begin training for golf. Great sport. No running.
Given this historical context, it's natural that I became a yoga teacher. It’s not that I don’t like moving or working out. I just don’t like running. It’s hard for me to describe what it is that I don’t like about it but there’s something about the “forcing myself to keep going when it hurts” part that I have a visceral reaction to. This forced torture feels like I’m going against everything I stand for, which is balanced, gentle, compassionate, self-care. It may come as a surprise to you that I stand for those things, but I think these qualities are important to me because of my natural inclination toward intensity. Forcing myself to do something that is painful doesn’t feel like self-care. It just feels like I what I force myself to do everyday, anyway 😂.
I recognize the benefit of pushing yourself to achieve greatness. I acknowledge my own inner drive to achieve and be great. But clearly I’m not meant to be an Olympic marathoner. I wish I could be content to leave running to those with firmer resolve except I am bothered by the possibility that I don’t have firm resolve. I’d argue my resolve is often quite firm—you don’t give birth to two children naturally sans pain medications without a few ounces of firmness and a large dose of resolve. Yet at other times—like on a five mile run—I can’t conjure up that inner toughness. And that makes me feel weak.
Society is not kind to those who are deemed weak. Women are supposed to be strong and tough (but also gentle and kind). As America Ferrara stated this past summer in the Barbie movie:
“…[W]e have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.
You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us.”
Basically being a woman, regardless of whether or not you’re deemed weak or strong, is a constant daily struggle with unrealistic societal norms (cue said forced torture mentioned above). Hence my irritation that I can’t run five miles. It’s not even that I can’t do it, I just don’t like that it’s hard. And according to Glennon Doyle, I’m supposed to be able to do hard things. And it’s not even that I want to run, it’s that it’s supposed to be good and healthy for you and I want to be good and healthy.
Virtually all scientific research points to how healthy and great running is for overall health. Outside Magazine recently touted 10 evidence-supported health benefits of running including living longer, sleeping better, better mood, healthier knees and back, and improved immunity. Research has even found that running helps regulate hormones! Who wouldn’t want that?
The media talks up running big time; Harvard Health published an article with the headline “Running for health: even a little is good but a little more is probably better,” which suggests the more you run the healthier you’ll be, confirming my suspicions that I must run miles and miles each week to become the “good and healthy” version of Ashley that the world expects me to be. But when you read the article, the research suggests even 5-10 minutes of cardiovascular exercise per week has health benefits and the sweet spot for increasing longevity is 2.5 hours per week. Even in the Outside article, a specific study cited mentioned that “moderate” exercise provides the most health benefit. But what does moderate mean?
My recent (delusional) rendezvous with running
To coax my inner toughness out of hiding from the big bad (running) wolf of my world I decided to run this year’s annual Turkey Trot. This is a long-standing family tradition for my husband’s family and something we’ve participated in for over a decade. Each year, I sign up for the walk. But this year, I was going to prove to everyone (mostly myself) that I could do it!
I found a training schedule, planned it all out in my calendar and started my runs. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning. But as the runs started creeping up to the 3-mile mark (for some odd reason, Columbus’ annual Turkey Trot is 5 miles, not the normal 5k (3.1 miles) of most Thanksgiving Day fun-runs) I hit my inner wall of resistance.
Playing with the edge
There is a concept in the yoga and movement world called the “edge.” It’s important in yoga that you work up to your edge but not past it. This requires enough self-awareness to understand what your body can tolerate without injuring yourself or causing harm.
Yoga teacher Erich Schiffmann describes working with a balanced “edge” in his book Yoga: The Spirit and Practice of Moving Into Stillness:
“Yoga that has a proper balance between the active and passive feels wonderful. It is not overly aggressive or torrid, but a harmonious and complimentary blend of push and yield. It is at once both vigorous and quiet, like a perfectly centered top spinning so fast it appears motionless.
Be sure you understand, however, it involves push and yield—both. Sometimes it is appropriate to use, and at those times it feels best to generate energy and push; other times it will be more appropriate to yield and it will feel better to surrender, let go, and be passive. And yet, even in a given moment when you are primarily pushing, there is much more than this going on. You are also waiting for your body to let you in. You are not only pushing. And if, at a given particular moment you are primarily yielding, you are also simultaneously exercising control to some degree in order mentally to direct the energy flow and continue staying in the pose. You are not just yielding. It is always push and yield.”
Though Schiffmann is speaking specifically about the experience of being in a yoga pose, this sentiment can apply to anything in life—running, working, being in a relationship. Running, when it is wonderful, is harmonious—that perfectly balanced combination of push and yield. This balance of push and yield is another way of describing the energy of yin (feminine energy) and yang (masculine energy). We always need both. This balance is something I struggle with when it comes to running (and life). I know how to push but I don’t always allow myself to yield. I’ve embraced my masculine energy because I thought that was how I would succeed in life but I am starting to realize that pushing away my feminine energy has a cost.
Schiffmann goes on:
“The important idea to keep in mind is to be guided always by the inner feeling. This is one of the primary teachings of yoga. Here, in the physical practice, you listen to your body. You start easy. You do the groundwork. You listen inwardly to the subtle impulses to action that arise while you are in a posture. You then follow the impulses of the moment—stretching here, strethcing there, breathing deeper or softer, making subtle internal adjustments, increasing or decreasing the intensity of the pose, whatever meets the need. The need is to do whatever is necessary to make this moment feel perfect, to do what feels best. You learn to do this. But you also allow yourself to do this. Your feelings, by the way, are a trustworthy guide to action because only what is best can feel the best. You can therefore trust yourself to trust yourself. You have your own best interests at heart.
Therefore, by listening to the impulses of the moment and following your own inner guidance in the postures, you are actually exercising you sensitivity and developing self-trust. Self-trust, remember, is more than merely trusting yourself. It’s that quality of being that arises when you realizae you did not create yourself, that you are an expression of the creative God Force, and that there is an underlying spiritual orderliness to all things you are a part of. In trusting yourself, therefore, you are not trusting “you,” you are trusting that deeper essence that is the source of you. Trusting yourself then becomes the most intimate way of trusting the universe and the most obvious demonstration of that greater trust.”
Learning to trust myself
Unexpectedly, my fall foray into running became a laboratory for me to examine how I live my life. I had been sick for a few days but didn't want to get off my training schedule. I knew I had to run 3.5 miles and the last time I ran that length I struggled. I also happened to be on a cleanse and I was feeling a little weak because I wasn't eating as much as I usually do. I ate an extra snack before my run to up my energy but the run was still really hard. At a certain point I had the thought, “Why am I doing this? What am I pushing myself for?” I was pushing without allowing for the yield.
My answer wasn’t satisfactory. I was pushing myself so I could keep to my training schedule. My German DNA is hardwired in me—I must follow schedules and there mustn’t be any deviation or delay! Yes, the family tradition of running the Turkey Trot is important but no one was making me run. I was putting all this pressure on myself, running while I was not feeling well to prove to myself that I was tough and strong and could run five miles. It's not like I was trying to come in first place. I was running “for fun,” but nothing about it was fun.
I realized as I was running along the river that I wouldn’t be a failure if I walked some of my 3.5 miles that day (or any day). In fact, I would be honoring my body, my energy, my Self, my truth in that moment. There's a fine line between challenging yourself to get better and pushing yourself for no good reason; I’m really good at pushing but not as good at recognizing the moments when it’s not worth it. I’m getting better, though! I walked the last mile or so of that run 🙂.
Without the yin there is no yang
Pushing yourself without allowing for the yield is pushing away your divine feminine energy that puts you in touch with your intuition. Pushing yourself for the sake of measuring up (to what?) is denying your feminine power and burying it in favor of what “society” expects. Unfortunately, society’s expectations are a farce, unrealistic, and many times unhealthy. “Society” doesn’t value—but really, I suspect, fears—healthy feminine energy, because this energy is powerful. And if we’re really being honest and speaking truth to power, “society” has historically been male-dominated (at least in our contemporary society). So it’s in the best interest of men who want to hold on to power to do everything they can to suppress the divine feminine. More on that rant in the future 😉.
You’d think I’d have learned my lesson. I felt proud that I had chosen to walk and take care of myself and although I continued following my training plan, I also continued to give myself permission to walk when I needed to.
And then I almost pooped my pants. This time I was on a 4.5 mile run but I still had not been feeling well and my body wasn’t responding kindly to the cleanse I was doing. But I committed to following the “plan” and that day I was supposed to run 4.5 miles. I was back to overriding my body’s signals all for the sake of saying I could run the Turkey Trot. Turns out, running stimulates the bowels and my bowels and I had been in a bit of a fight the past couple weeks over this cleanse. It is not a pleasant feeling to have a very strong urge to poop while at the same time being 1/4 mile away from home and wiped out from running for the past hour. I uncomfortably walked as quickly as I could the rest of the way home to the safety of the bathroom and resolved I would never run again!
Of course, I continued the rest of my training plan and ran the Turkey Trot. Even though I had caught the second nasty cold/cough/congestion that was going around in our family. I ended up running four of the five miles on Thanksgiving Day and then my body forced me to walk the last mile after a very unpleasant coughing fit that lasted for about 1/2 mile. Once again, my body reminded me to listen.
I wasn’t upset that I didn’t run the whole race. In fact, it was fitting that I did a combination of running/walking. That’s what felt best and I was honoring what was best for me in that moment. That was the win.
Everything in moderation
Remember that study I mentioned earlier that said “moderate” exercise was best? At the end of the day you have to figure out what moderate means to you. That might be different than what is popular in “society,” what the media reports on, what the influencers on social media say, or what your neighbor does. This is what is frustrating about moderation and where yoga training comes in. There is no one size fits all. Yoga is an “individual sport” in the sense that you have to make the right decisions for your body on any given day. In golf, you have to take your own shots and take responsibility for the ones that go errant. In yoga, golf, and life you are in control and always will be. No teacher or doctor or coach can tell you what is right for you. You have to respond to the needs of your individual, unique system that is your body/mind/energy/soul. But in order to do that, you have to pay attention and be willing to adapt to meet your needs.
A few years back, my mom was really big into Orange Theory. Have you ever gone? They strap you up with a heart rate monitor that transmits real-time heart rate data onto a publicly-displayed TV screen while you’re working out so that the coaches can yell at you to try harder and your peers can pressure you into not slacking off. 😂
The whole idea behind the “orange theory” is that when working out at your ideal heart rate (84-91% of your maximum heart rate, which is calculated based on your weight and age) for a certain period of time, you optimize Excess Post Exercise Oxygen Consumption and increase the effectiveness of caloric burn. In other words, your workouts work harder for you if you workout in the right heart rate zone for the right amount of time. Not surprisingly, when I went to Orange Theory with my mom I was constantly being yelled at by the coaches to SLOW DOWN. My heart rate was always in the red zone (not ideal) even though I felt like I was barely doing anything. You’d think I’d be able to take a hint. The universe and my body have been screaming at me my whole life to slow down, and now the data was backing them up. I have a tendency to overdo things and I need to balance out that effort with a heavy dose of relaxation.
Now for the rebellion part
For me at least, rest feels like an act of rebellion. It’s my way of psyching myself up to rest because, let’s be honest—rest sounds boring. But rest matters. You need rest to balance out all your daily effort. You need rest to be healthy. You need rest to access your intuitive wisdom, your feminine energy, your innate superheroine power, your authentic Self.
That’s not to say you don’t also need effort. We all need the appropriate dose of both. The trick is figuring out how much effort and how much rest result in balanced living for your unique constitution.
I’m going to continue experimenting with running shorter distances if it feels good. Or walking on the days that I don't feel up to the run. I’m going to keep playing with the edge, finding the balance, pushing and yielding. But most importantly, I’m going to continue adding more rest into my daily practice because I’ve spent my whole life depleting my yin energy and it’s time to replenish the well.
I’ve come to realize that it’s not that I don’t like running. It’s that I don’t like pushing myself past my body’s limits and I’m not always very good (yet) and yielding to my intuitive wisdom. Running just happened to be the truth-teller for me and I took out my frustrations about it on her.
12 Days of Relaxation Savasana Challenge
Welcome to 12 Days of Relaxation Savasana Challenge Day 3 where you get to exercise your inner rebel and do nothing!
If you were with us yesterday and tried the Golden Light visualization make sure to head over to the chat to share your experiences. Paid subscribers can easily access the chat on the Substack app.
Let’s dive right in today. We’ll be resting for five minutes and will explore a mantra meditation to help you focus your mind.