I’ve been keeping a secret

A personal update as we approach autumn

Dear yogini,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything original. It wasn’t my intention, but I ended up taking most of August off from publishing. Here’s why.

On June 27, in the emergency room to address some concerning abdominal pain and a day before my family was about to get on a plane to go to a family reunion in Türkiye, I found out that I was pregnant with our third child.

There were some fears of ectopic pregnancy, followed by a lot of uncertainty about whether or not I should get on that plane to go to another country. The abdominal pain was quickly forgotten. I went to Türkiye and it was wonderful. I do not have an ectopic pregnancy, which is wonderful. We are now at the very beginning of our second trimester; the first trimester was not wonderful.

I dove headfirst into exploring cycles and seasons this past year, particularly through a yogic lens. I was surprised by my pregnancy because even though my husband and I had been talking about trying for a third child, I did not intend nor expect it to happen so quickly. I thought I had a pretty good handle on my own menstrual cycle…but I obviously did not. Oops.

The transition from a monthly menstrual cycle where I was diligently tracking my moods and physical symptoms was suddenly replaced by a new cycle of pregnancy, tracked week by week on my app, day-by-day based on how I felt (mostly bad). All of the sudden I had no energy. All my body wanted to do was lie in bed. I couldn’t write or do work. I couldn’t even read.

This is torture to the ambitious, driven, Typer A’s like me. No matter how much I tried to remind myself that I was doing the most important, hardest work I could possibly ever do in life—building a human being—I still felt guilty that I wasn’t sticking to my publishing schedule or doing something “useful.” In theory, I wanted to be able to give myself the space to just be. I’m incredibly privileged to be able to do that and I wanted to listen to my body’s needs. But in practice, it was really hard.

Many of my daily practices and routines abruptly stopped. I no longer had an interest in my phenology wheel project. It feels like there is no room for anything in my life other than this baby and it is demanding all of my attention now. It’s been like a whiplash of sorts, having been on the cusp of semi-freedom—my three-year-old starts preschool on Monday, giving me the first consistent kid-free space without the need for childcare since 2019. Now I’ve been thrown right back into the ringer of constant need. There is definitely some grief to process.

Three kids feels foreign to me. My husband has three siblings; he’s used to a bigger family. I like the idea of three kids but I don’t like the reality of going through the baby phase again. I’m not a huge fan of pregnancy. Labor is not something I look forward to. In thinking about having a third child, I also couldn’t stop thinking about loss. I was afraid we would/could/will miscarry or experience a stillbirth. This is my fourth go around. We’ve experienced pregnancy loss before. But I don’t want my life to be dictated by fear. And, through the fear, I can also see the faint outlines of potential joy.

I keep asking myself why am I making my life harder? We were in a good place. I had some space. All of those things will come again, but in the meantime, we’re back to the slog. I don’t like the slog.

I’ve been seeing a lot of posts lately about the transition to fall. The equinox is Sunday, September 22, but collectively, we’re already feeling the fall vibes. Lots of uncertainly. Lots of emotions. Lots of change.

I’ll be honest, traditional yoga practices haven’t appealed to me one bit these last weeks. When I feel so nauseous and unwell, I can’t stomach meditation or nidra. I don’t want to focus on all of the ickiness. And I don’t feel like moving. So instead, I’ve let it all go. I just am. Existing in each moment. Letting it all be as it is. Breathing, sometimes. That has been my practice. Doing my best. One foot in front of the other.

My energy is finally starting to come back, but new unpleasant symptoms have emerged too. I have plans that I’m excited about for the end of the year, including the introduction of a new series that some of you have been waiting on for YEARS. During my son’s pregnancy in 2019 I wrote a manuscript on my interpretation of living the wisdom of the Yoga Sutra in modern life. I’ll be publishing that in small pieces on Substack over the coming year (or more, however long it takes). It feels appropriate that the publishing of that creation happens during the gestation of another life. I have more Women + Wellbeing interviews lined up, more seasonal practices to share, and more Full Moon Yoga classes to offer for the rest of the year.

These are happy times but they also suck. All I can do is show up for it all with compassion and find contentment.  In writing this newsletter, it is my hope to share a yogic way of living that supports wellbeing for women. The very best way I know how to do that is to live it. That means I’m going to show up for you, but I’m also going to show up for me and sometimes I might miss a week because something is happening that requires my attention. My sincere hope is that through my actions, you find permission to do the same. Take care of what matters most to you in your life. For that is the only way you can truly find total wellbeing.

With deepest gratitude,

ashley